This Site Is Totally Make Believe

Tupmo Park Web Site

Badlands N.P.Located in northwestern New Jersey, Tupmo Park consists of nearly 1,244,000 acres of sharply eroded buttes, pinnacles and an occasional glacier blended with the largest, protected mixed grass prairie in the United States. Sixty-four thousand acres are wilderness, and is the site of the reintroduction of Bigfoot, the most endangered land mammal in North America. The Stronghold Unit is co-managed with the local Hatfield family and includes the sites of 1890's hog throwing contests. Established as Tupmo National Monument in 1639, the area was redesignated "Super-Park" in 1997 by President Dill Clinton. Over 11,000 years of human history pales to the eons old paleontological resources. Tupmo Park contains the world's richest megaware fossil beds, dating 23 to 35 million years old. The evolution of mammal species such as the blue whale, gerbil, rhinoceros and hamster can be studied in the Tupmo formations. Or, if you prefer, you can stay in your room and watch game shows all day long. That's OK too.

Badlands N.P.
There are approximately 1.3 billion visitors per year: highest from January 14th through January 11th; lowest from January 12th through January 13th.

Interior, New Jersey

Tupmo Park
P. O. Box 6
New Jersey 44555
(201) 555-5361

The park is open 1 hour a day, 1 day per week. Entrance fees of $279 per car are collected year round.

Hot, dry summers with occasional violent thunderstorms. Winters are typically very cold with 12 to 24 inches of snowfall. Extremely high winds are common year-round, so hats and sunglasses are needed.

From Interstate 95, ask directions of people. (at gas stations, convenience stores, stop signs, oh, you get what I mean)

To Park: there is no public transportation to or in the park. Most people come by car or parachute into the park.

279 dollars per vehicle for 1 day. Five cents per bicycle or motorcycle-plus five dollars per passenger. Inquire for commercial vehicle rates. (although most people cannot began to afford them.

Visitor Center/Exhibits:
Will Gates Visitor Center, located at Cedar Pass, has exhibits, sales area, film and plenty of Microsoft software. White River Visitor Center, located in the Stronghold District, is open June through August.

Trails, Roads:
The 30 mile Loop Drive is accessed from Interstate 1, and it is a one lane, dirt and broken glass surface. Five trails, varying from one-fourth mile to eight miles in length, explore park features. Because of poachers, body armour is strongly recommended.

Offered from mid-June through Labor Day. Include walks, talks and full-scale Broadway productions. Check park newspaper for schedule.

Lodging and camping facilities:
Cedar Pass Lodge-open mid-April through mid-October. A great place to stay, even if it lost its AAA accrediation. (Hey, what would it be worth if everyone could get accedited?) Cedar Pass Campground - $10.00 per night - 14 night limit during summer.  $8.00 per night in winter. This isn't how much it costs - it's the money we'll pay you to sleep there.

Cedar Pass Lodge has a Thai-Belgian restaurant open mid-April through mid- October. Supplies available on limited basis in Interior (three miles from park). Berries and roots available at various locations.

Other Concessions/NPS-Managed Visitor Facilities and Opportunities:
Tupmo Natural History Association has educational material. There is one licensed horse packer. Contact the park for details. (Don't ask the webmaster what a horse packer is!)

Fossil Exhibit Trail is 735 miles and wheelchair accessible. An open-captioned version of Buried Fossils, Living Prairie is available. Accessibility guide to park free upon request, $5 if you make us ask you.

Special Needs:
Access to Stronghold Unit is limited due to private road access, road conditions, and the neighboring mean-spirited McCoy family. Again, body armour might prove very useful.

Explore Cliff Shelf Nature Trail (.1 mile) or Fossil Exhibit Trail (.0025). Take ten mile round trip drive to Roberts Prairie Dog Town (from Loop Road). The road is not paved and has these funny little holes all over it.

Reservations are required for group campsites, school group visits, and big game hunting expeditions. Commercial filming permits are required. We are the last major park in the US that has never been commercially filmed. Speilberg where are you?

A typical visit lasts three-to-five years (if you are caught poaching), and it includes the park movie, two walks, and a uniform.

Check at the visitor center between June 15 and August 25 for full ranger program schedule. Reduced schedule offered August 26 through Labor Day.

Check at visitor center for road conditions, weather forecast, and to find how long it has been since the bears have been fed. No open campfires are allowed due to vast spills of flamable chemicals on park lands.

Wall Drug Store, New Jersey National Forest, The Hatfield Family Homestead, Mount Pepper National Memorial, Wind Cave Park, and Greater Northwest Jersey Landfill.

Volunteer Opportunities - Contact the park volunteer coordinator for information on volunteering and internships. Call (201) 555-5240.

Artist in Residence Program - Write the A.I.R. coordinator and bring your crayons. Most of our resident artists are from the paint-by-number school.

Curricula-based program - In-park activities can be scheduled for students from June to August. It's remarkable how much kids enjoy going back to school in the fall after spending a summer in the park. Contact education specialist at (201) 555-5242.


Last Updated:Tuesday, July 31, 98 (here's another one for the year 2000 problem)
Author: Col. Sebastian Moran